Tristan's Top Ten

So there are a couple of things that get me pretty grumpy and some just happen to be happening in Oklahoma right now.  I know I am stealing this from David Letterman but it works.  I also know that most people do 10 things I love about a subject and I believe I have even done one of those about Oklahoma, but right now it's time to do the opposite.  So here are the top ten reasons I hate Oklahoma.

The Wind.  It never stops blowing.......ever.  It blows hot in the summer and freezing in the winter and in reality you just want it to stop either way.  It blows shingles off roofs, limbs off trees and people's car doors into my car door in parking lots (and no one ever leaves notes).  They say the reason OK is so windy is because Texas sucks and Kansas blows, however I think the real answer is that even the air doesn't like to stay here for very long.

The Heat.  Two words for you -- heat index.  We hit 90+ in Feb and right now it's 110 with no changes on the horizon.  Now I realize that some people prefer the heat just like I prefer the cold however when you walk outside and you legitimately think there is a chance that you might see Satan himself sunbathing in your front yard you have to agree its getting a little ridiculous.

The Drought.  Another two words for you -- dust bowl.  When I was forced to read The Grapes of Wrath in high school little did I know that it was actually foreshadowing my future.  Since last November we are currently 24 in. below normal precipitation levels. Everything is yellow and dying. So you factor in numbers 1& 2 and you have a recipe for a classic novel that English teachers will force students to read for generations.

The Flatness.  I am tired of having the tallest thing I see on a daily basis be the overpass to the freeway (or if you drive a little south the pile of garbage at the city dump).  Either way if you added a couple of mountains here or there it would help.

The Allergies.  I have always had allergies wherever I have lived so that's nothing new.  However,  when you have allergies so bad that you can be on every medication on the market to prevent them and still have no relief is.  If I was the drug company that owned any of the major allergy medications I would set up bulk warehouse stores all over the state.  Then again... maybe they already did that which would explain why OK has such a high number of meth labs........... coincidence? 

The  Cold.  I know some of you may be saying, "Wait, you said you like the cold."  I do and that is not what I'm referring to.  What I am referring to is when you check the weather on the way out the door and see that it is currently 40 degrees, you think, "Hey, that's not so bad." But then because of #1 it's 20 below and by the time you make the walk from your car into school you have frostbite on your face, ears, hands, lungs and you teeth are all chipped from the chattering.  

The Red Clay.  I hope that the OK school districts don't charge their students for this in art class because all they need to do is take a shovel with them out to recess and they can get all the clay they want.  All in all its pretty amazing stuff.  It shifts so much with its wet and dry cycles that it can literally split a house in two and it is so such a powerful dye that it will turn even the most stain resistant floors and furniture to a nice burnt orange..........we just hope that earthy colors come back into to style before our house collapses.

The Weather.  Whether it be tornadoes, ice storms, heat waves or hail stones OK weather is truly like a box of chocolates..............you never know what you're going to get.  And we have seen it all.  We have had our roof and cars destroyed by pool ball sized hail.  Trees felled by wind, lightning, and inch thick ice sheets.  Cars blown off the road by tornadoes and alarms set off by thunder.  Snow storms that close down the state for a week and snow drifts taller than houses.  I don't know why any weatherman would ever want to come here to work when you are guaranteed to be wrong all the time.

The On & Off Ramps.   I can just see the people who designed the OK freeway system in a room and one of them saying, "I have a great idea.... let's have all the off ramps also serve as on ramps!" "Yea, yea. And we can have it only be 100 yds. long to save space!"  There must have been a bunch of monkeys in there to think that that was a good idea.  Because instead of being efficient and space saving everybody ends up having to slow down or stop completely, then stare blankly at the person trying to do the opposite thing they are until someone finally decides to try and either exit or get on and has to floor the gas pedal to get back up to freeway speeds.  Yup here's your sign...............

The Bugs-- I know I come from the mountains and so I am not used to many bugs. But there are daddy long legs that need knee braces because their legs are so long for crying out loud.  Not to mention the crickets, cockroaches, poisonous spiders, swarms of mosquitoes, and let's not forget the cicadas that keep you up at night for 2 months out of the year.

A grumpy old man